Ev’rybody wearin’ shirts like Make Love Not War,
But I’m a here to tell you what’s real fo’ sure.
You see I spent a little time in a place all green and pretty,
Waterfalls and mountaintops, though the rainfall’s kinda shitty.
They call the land Scot, and he’s a pretty nice guy,
He’s white and rich, so when you’re out with him you ain’t never gotta buy.
But you see I found a problem with Scot, as I do with all men,
It ain’t about size or his hair, but something else y’ ken?
The thing I’m talking about is Scot’s prized possession,
A monstrous painful thing they call Stingin’ Nettle.
Oh, you heard of it too?
I bet it stung butt, even on you.
Don’t you believe for a minnit what they tell you about thistle,
They’ll say it’s the national flower, but someone’s got to blow the whistle,
On this cover-up and protection of a nasty damned species,
Stinging Nettle – phwoar, the thought of it makes me queasy.
It’ll make any part of your body it touches itch as much as a midge,
And if you ain’t familiar with that insect, then hit up Google just for a smidge,
‘Cause I need you to understand what we face, it’s an uphill battle,
Of trying to save goats and kill Stinging Nettle.
Before we begin, it’s important for us to focus on the task ahead,
There’s just one single type of nettle that I want to see dead.
We can leave all the others, before you get all up in arms about conservation,
And anyway when it comes to wood and flame nettle, death can be their only conversation.
White nettle is probably the supreme so let’s keep it,
As for false, dead and hedge nettle, who gives a shit?
I don’t care about your balls or your bull, so those nettles can stay.
And false nettle might be stinging’s cousin, so we want to keep him at bay.
He could come in handy and may just crack under my interrogation,
But hemp nettle will be off his tree rocking, giving all sorts of narration,
So let’s not bother with him or tree or rock while we are going,
And if you want horse or painted nettle, their seeds just keep a-sowing.
Now that we’ve established our precise mission,
I want to talk about a species I seem to have omitted.
Their name be goat and they are one of Buddha’s main bros.
It’s them this death deal with stinging nettle we gonna close.
You see, unlike the rest of us folk, goats like to eat stinging nettle,
It gives me such a buzz every time I see them chew it that I don’t need no coffee and kettle.
They are our allies and as such I demand you all buy at least 50,
With every purchase comes a death decree and goats really are quite thrifty.
But I don’t want you getting distracted with the fact they will eat anything,
We don’t want no varied diets, just that one hellish nettle they call Sting.
So go on, get out there and save a goat and thus save humanity,
From that beast Stingin’ Nettle, who’s existence is insanity.
Then Scot and I can get back on exactly where we left off,
Without a worry or care about that bastard ex of his, at who I would scoff.
Our children’s children will talk one day about the legend they called Meggles,
Whose war cry you can still hear, “Save a Goat, Kill Stingin’ Nettle!”